It's funny. As I think about 36 years here, I wonder how it could be so long and so short at the same time. Sometimes it seems like I was young yesterday. I wonder how I could be married for 15.5 years, mother of ten children, walked with the Lord for 30 years. Other times I feel like I've already lived a lifetime. And yet, by God's grace, I still have a lifetime to live.
I'm not sure how to even describe year 36 in my life. In some ways it has been a pivotal year as our family has been stable for the first time in about three years as far as house, job and church are concerned, which encompasses most of our everyday lives. With that stability, however, came a level of discontent that I wasn't expecting. In many ways everything was "back to normal" while, at the same time, everything was completely different.
We were back to Jim working in a hospital 4 days a week, back to homeschooling with all of our books at the ready, back to cooking, cleaning and every day homemaking. But we are now 11 (less than a month after my last birthday) instead of 9, and everyone was older and still adjusting, we are in Mableton, GA instead of Louisville, KY. We went from a shot-gun house with a camel back to a ranch style with a basement and exchanged carpets for hardwoods. Jim's at Piedmont in the PACU instead of Norton in the NICU working four tens instead of three twelves. We are at Smyrna First Baptist and not Sojourn Community. We changed the family we were near. We moved back to old friends and made new ones, while saying good-bye to the friends we'd made in Louisville.
The same, but totally different.
While all of this was lurking in the back of my mind, my body was also transitioning with the birth of our 9th baby and also to simply getting older causing physical needs to change and need to be figured out again.
These two things have led to a perfect storm in the depths of my flesh, which Satan also used to whisper his lies.
But God in His amazing grace has not left me as I wrestle with discontentment, believing the whispers that something should be different, we should be somewhere else or I should not focus on the things he has told me. He draws me to Himself reminding me who He is and who I am with Him while also letting me see glimpses of who I would be without Him. I open His Word and I see the depths of my evil heart and God reminds me Jesus has healed and changed it.
Because of the death of Christ my sin is covered and has no hold on me. Because of the resurrection of Christ I can live and live life to the fullest where He has me. Because of the Holy Spirit living inside of me I can do all God has called me to and say no to the things He has not.
The battle still rages while I'm still in my flesh and many days my flesh still wins. This year, God has shown me how easy it is to let my wants, my desires, my thoughts, my understanding to rule me or give my pride a stroke. But at the end of the day, none of those things mean anything if I'm not humbly living out God's Word and His desires for me to bring glory to His Name.
And that is hard.
The more I give into God the easier it becomes to do what I ought. So that is my prayer for the year (and years) to come: that I would die to my flesh and let the Holy Spirit flow out of me. That I would be content in following God even when it's uncomfortable, scary or not what I wanted or expected.
No matter what the future holds here on Earth, I know I can trust God to lead me in the place where He will receive all the glory and that after this life my future is secure in Christ.
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