No, I'm not suicidal. Life is just hard sometimes and it is evident everywhere that this world is not supposed to be.
One of my doctors has a mass and has to have emergency surgery.
People are shooting each other regularly for no good reason.
Friends my age are dying in the most unexpected ways.
Satan is constantly attacking and I just feel drained.
I could name so many other things, but you get the idea. Life is overwhelming. Sin and the effects of the fall abound and it seems as if nothing will ever get better. Those are the times I stare into the sky and look for any hint that Jesus may be on His way back.
See, Jesus has told us He is coming back. He will make everything new. No more death. No more suffering. No more striving to figure out what to think, do, say. Everything will be perfect as it was intended to be. How my soul longs for that. How I want to be in God's presence worshiping perfectly as He created me to do. How I want things to be perfect.
I recognize some of this is selfish in motivation, but the more I get to know God the more I just want to be with Him. I want to be in a place that really worships Him as Lord over all. I want to live the way He intends.
I'm so thankful that Jesus has given me a way to have this and that one day all of this will be true. I will be with God and worshiping Him perfectly. I will be in a place that worships Him. I will live perfectly as He intends.
Sometimes I really want to go home. Until then, I press on. Many days are hard. My heart grieves the loss of life, of health, of sleep, of obedience. I sometimes seek to control it. But God reminds me even in those heart breaking moments, He is in control and by His grace I will overcome and see this great day!