Monday, July 22, 2013

Grieving What You Don't Know

(Warning: What I'm about to write may sound a bit selfish, but it's what I'm wrestling with right now.)

A week ago Dr. Cutrer suddenly died from heart failure during his morning bike ride. Jim and I were signed up to take a class with his wife and him in the fall. I did not know him well. I had seen him in the seminary clinic once where I remember us discussing Labor and Delivery and Writing. I also took a seminar during seminar Saturday with him and his wife. I was really looking forward to sitting under more of their teaching. All of this just makes me wonder why him and why now. There was more work for him to do. There were many couples signed up for their class. I learned tonight that he taught a Sunday School class and they were about to begin Revelation. Sister Lora had talked with him about the childbirth class I am working on and told me tonight that he was getting material together for me!

As I reflect on these things I wonder why I am so broken over his death. I think I am grieving what could have been. I'm grieving what was to come. Now I will never know what he might have taught Jim and me in his class. I will never know how much knowledge he could have imparted to me from his countless years as an OBGYN. I will never know how he could have helped spread the word of what I'm seeking to do. There is a lot I will never know, but it's not usually so blatantly obvious.

I know there is a purpose in his death. God decided it was time to take him home. I really wish I understood it better right now. One day it will make sense.

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